The Black Single Woman Epidemic

December 31, 2009
Dear Diary,

All I wanted for Christmas was to find a charming, considerate, financially stable, and supportive man to be brought into my life. At 29, I can’t help but acknowledge the fact that my biological clock is ticking. I have, what, maybe 3-5 years of healthy childbearing years left? I can’t help but notice that many of my closest girl friends that are White and Asian are already married, and have children. So, I sit back and wonder, what’s wrong with me? I tried to do everything right. I went to college, finished in four years, graduated with honors, and have been working as a CPA for some time now. I own a car, a house, and guess what, I have great credit! So, what’s the hold up? Where the hell is Mr. Right?

In the meantime, I’ll continue to be an optimist, and look forward to next year! Perhaps, next year will be my year!? My year to find a wonderful life partner, my year to begin building a happy and lasting relationship with someone I care about, my year to begin building my future life (with children to come).

Sincerely,
An Optimistic (yet slightly discouraged) Single Black Woman

Apparently the large number of single black women in America is nothing abnormal, in fact, it’s pretty common. So, common that even ABC decided to do some digging for potential answers to this problem. According to ABC, 42% of black women have never been married, which is more than double the number of white women who have never been hitched. This number is rather startling, considering the notion that there are so many “successful” black women on the market. There are high numbers of attractive, college-educated, career-oriented black women, who want to be in committed relationships that somehow still find themselves single.

Why is this condition so frequent amongst black women? Are there external factors that are contributing to high rates of single black, successful women? If this is the case, how might black women find a life partner that contributes to having a happy, healthy, and fulfilling life?

According to the Gallup World News Poll, the 2005 study found that 64% of black men have dated outside of their race, while only 42% of black women have dated outside of their race. When compared with other racial ethnic groups, about 74% of Latino men have dated outside of their race, and 65% of Latin women have dated outside of their race. When examining the Whites, about 48% of white men have dated outside of their race, and 43% of white women have dated outside their race. (If you wish to learn more, check out the study at: http://www.gallup.com/poll/19033/Most-Americans-Approve-Interracial-Dating.aspx )

According to the statistics, black men date out of race significantly more than black women. In fact, black women date within race, higher than any other group. When it comes to interracial dating as a whole, men are much more likely to date out of race than women. Some may wonder why this is the case? However, men traditionally tend to have more power, privilege, and flexibility when it comes to the arena of dating and romantic relationships, much more than women.

Okay, okay, okay, so what exactly does this mean as it translates to black women in the world of dating? This means that it’s important for women, particularly black women, to be open and receptive to dating outside their race. We never actually know who our ideal mate may be. He may be the complete polar opposite of you. You may be tall, he may be short, you may be black, he may be white (or Latino, or Asian), you may be slender, and he may be slightly chubby. What matters is the connection that you’re able to obtain with that particular man. Does he understand you (or at least make an attempt to understand you)? Does he support you and the endeavors that are important to you? Are your values aligned with each other when it comes to matters that are important to you (family, religion, etc.)? Does he treat you with a deep amount of love, consideration, and respect? Will he make the sacrifices necessary to contribute to your happiness and your positive well-being (not just your financial security)?

If so, then this could be a potential candidate for you as a life partner. There’s a lot of talk about women, (and for the purpose of this article, black women) having unrealistic expectations when it comes to finding a mate. There’s absolutely no reason why anyone should “settle” when it comes to the qualities of a person that you are planning on spending the rest of your life with. We don’t expect men to “settle,” hence we shouldn’t ask women to “settle” either. However, there is a point in which the notion of Mr. Perfect Prince Charming should be dispelled. Unrealistic expectations for anyone (women or men) are unhealthy concepts and can definitely impede on an individual finding the right person.

You may remember in a previous article, “Time≥ Timing,” in which I discussed and researched the significance of time and timing in life, work, and relationships. I definitely think the same is true, as one evaluates how timing plays a role in our life as it relates to marriage, and finding lasting relationships. In some ways, it’s a game of time, and one must not be too insistent on trying to rush what is to come into our life (when it comes finding the right life partner).

According to author, Sam Keen, “we come to love, not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person, perfectly.” This is ever so true, as we move through this journey called life, as we travel down the road of Love, and examine the many possibilities that are in store for us!

--This article is dedicated to ALL of my single black girlfriends, in which we have endless conversations about love and relationships!! Porschia!! (Thanks for sharing this awesome clip with me girlie!) Ashley, Hope, Lorissa, Deidre, Aunt Koni, and the list goes on!

In closing, I would love for you to check out the 7 min segment that ABC did on this topic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGMAhWpDF8&feature=popular. I look forward to reading your comments on the subject! Men and women, Black and White, Latino and Asian, (Everybody) post your thoughts! I’m sure you have something valuable to share, and your perspective will contribute to an open, honest dialogue!! You know the drill...Ready, set, share!!

The Love Lesson

A Note to the Reader:

Love.

As a sincerely acute food lover, my analysis suggests that love is a lot like an onion. Like an onion with its many layers, love, too is layered with degrees in which the emotional depth can be both felt and potentially evaluated. On a more sensory note, both have the ability to make you cry, without much restraint. An onion tastes good (or bad), just as love feels good (or bad), depending on whom you ask. Love has the ability to enhance one’s own personal life experience, just as an onion has the ability to enhance to the preparation of a well made savory dish.

I have, indeed, wanted to write about love for some time now, but have always felt this subject to be extremely multifaceted and filled with an abundance of challenges. To say that the subject of love is incredibly difficult and intensely overwhelming would be a vast understatement.

Love is complicated. It’s complex and it’s not the easiest thing in the world to understand. So, I have scoured books on romantic poetry in search of truth, researched religious texts and scriptures, collected interviews and amazing recounts from people to provide clarity, and I have explored the depths of my mind and heart for answers surrounding love. Thus, here are my discoveries regarding my investigation on the lesson(s) of love.

Introduction

It’s a mild autumn morning and you’re on your way to work. You hop into your car, toss your briefcase on the passenger seat, and quickly put the key into the ignition. The radio cuts on as you pull out the driveway and there’s the slow romantic “My Heart Will Go On” Celine Dion ballad playing. Geez, you haven’t even had your morning cup of coffee yet, it is entirely too early for this! You rapidly turn stations. The R&B Oldies station is playing the upbeat, “How Will I Know” Whitney Houston dance tune from the 1980’s. The Country station is playing Leann Rimes’ “I Need You,” meanwhile, the R&B/Hip Hop station is playing LL Cool J’s “I Need Love.”

Let’s face it, the subject of love is everywhere. It’s the main topic of discussion in all genres of music, including rhythm and blues, jazz, country, rock, hip hop, alternative, reggae, and world music, (just to name a few). Love is in what we read, from self help books, to newspaper columns, to novels, and poetry. It’s what we watch on television; whether it be the subject of talk shows, reality shows, or fictional television series’. Love is definitely on the big screen. Even in movies that are action packed dramas, there is often times a subtle, non-threatening love story attached to it. The idea of love is extremely pervasive in world culture, and has been since the beginning of ancient time.

Why is it, that love is the main theme in so many creative outlets?

Could it be the all of us, or at least 92% of us, have felt or want to feel the true magnitude of what it means to love? Perhaps, we’re conditioned to be in search of finding love, falling in love, and living happily ever after, in love, of course. This undoubtedly leads us to the, not one, but two million dollar question of the day!

Research

What is love?

I decided to see what Mr. Webster had to say about this concept of love. Mr. Webster, in 2002 during his “New World” era, states that love is a “1.) Strong affection or liking for someone or something,” “2.) A passionate affection of one person for another.” In addition to this, other sources attempt to define love as “the love of God; God is love” or love “encompasses a sexual passion and deep friendship.” Do these definitions legitimately define love accurately? These explanations of love are vague, at best. The definitions are nice, but don’t accurately include everything that embodies the meaning of love.

So, I suppose we’re back to the drawing board. Let’s review a couple of pieces of literature or text that might provide us with another level of understanding love. Below are two poems, by two well-known authors, none other than Elizabeth Barrett Browning and William Shakespeare.

Shall I Compare Thee to a Summer’s Day?
(William Shakespeare)

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May;And summer's lease hath all too short a date.Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;And every fair from fair sometime declines,By chance, or nature's changing course untrimm'd;But thy eternal summer shall not fade,Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;Nor shall Death brag thou wand'rest in his shade,When in eternal lines to time thou grow'stSo long as men can breathe or eyes can see,So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

How Do I Love Thee
(Elizabeth Barrett Browning)

How Do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’sc
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as the turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Discussion

What exactly do you think when you read this two poems? Or perhaps an even better question is, how do you feel (since love is a “feeling” or emotion) when you read these two classic poems?

I’m sure most would agree that one or both of these poems suggest a certain high level of emotional intensity and deep care (for the person to whom the poem is written for). I would also go out on a limb and say that it’s possible that most would identify these two poems as having positive “love” ideas and “love” feelings attached to them. Most readers might also suggest that Shakespeare and Barrett-Browning are probably “in love” (with the person that they are writing about).

Which brings me to another question, what does it mean to be “in love” with someone? Are there certain side effects in which you can tell whether or not you’ve been hit with the ever-changing love bug? And, more importantly, to love someone, is that the same as being “in love” with a person? You must admit, these are some pretty good, loaded questions!

I definitely believe there’s a difference between loving someone and being “in love” with them. I think it’s completely possible to love a person and not be “in love” with them. However, when it comes to a romantic relationship, most often when someone says, “I love you,” (for the first time) 9 times out of 10 what they are really saying is “I’m IN love with you.”

On the other hand, there is the rare occasion, when a couple is in a romantic relationship, and the first “I love you” is not to be translated as “I’m IN love you,” and they really mean “I love you.” However, I would definitely argue this is very much so not the norm. I would probably go so far as to say that this happens, with less than 15% of couples. I think often times people actually love their partner, far before they ever choose to verbalize it.

Research

In my quest to attempting to gain a deeper understanding of love, I discovered this very interesting statement by author, Lafcadio Hearn.

In almost every life there is a time when we care for only one person, and suffer much for that person’s sake; yet in that period we do not care whether we suffer or die, and in after life, when we look back at those hours of youth, we wonder at the way in which we then felt.
(p.15) (Appreciations of Poetry, 1916; the Chapter “On Love in English Poetry” by Lafcadio Hearn)

Discussion

What do you think about this statement? I found this statement to be both intriguing and sincerely genuine from the writer, himself. In many ways, he has incorporated a sense of his own personal experience, in addition to considering the literature of many Romantic poets.

I would argue this comment discusses the notion of what it means to be “in love” with someone. The sense of deep care and large degree of passion, suggests a high level of emotionally charged feelings surrounding love.

Research

Religious Text/Scriptures:
· Proverbs 10:12 “Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs.”
· Proverbs 14:17 “Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.”
· Proverbs 20:6 “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?”

Discussion

Many people turn to various forms of religious scripture for answers to questions. So, that being the case, do you think this provides us with any more information about love? Does it resolve this mystery?
I found that it actually enticed more questions than answers. Because so many things are open to interpretation by the reader, all of the research (religious texts, poetry, personal experience comments, etc.) all raised more questions about love than solving any of the mysteries that are surrounded by this complex phenomenon.

Results & Discussion

So, it appears that I am once again, back to square one. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that love is, in actuality a deep, inexplicable puzzle. It’s open to interpretation and means different things to different people. It means different sacrifices to different people. It goes back to an age old, manipulative saying, “If you love me, then you will… (Do what I ask).” But, really, love is ambiguous, unclear, and undefined. Love is a mystery.

I know what love means to me, finally (after going on this deeply exhaustive journey). Love requires a deep level of selflessness and vulnerability. I think a rift in one’s emotional and spiritual self can lead to a loss of hope, faith, and love. Love can be a medicine to heal one’s mental, emotional, and spiritual scars (from their past). It requires a person to “open” their heart and allow themselves the ability to experience such an intense emotion.

I think it is very difficult for most people to “really” love. Vulnerability and selflessness are not two characteristics that people have an easy time handling. Most people have experienced a grave degree of pain in their life which makes it difficult to love, or difficult to love again. It’s amazing how much our family lives shape us as adults. One’s first encounter with love is with their parents and/or siblings. One’s first encounter with romantic love or the state of being “in love” is by witnessing or not witnessing their parent’s relationship(s). These relationships that we witness as children are healthy, unhealthy, or nonexistent, and they affect us later on in our own adult love relationships.

I think it’s important for us to understand our past love relationships and how they affect us, our partners, our children, our families, our friends, even our work/business relationships. It is only then, that we will have the ability to mend the broken bonds that have wounded us in our social lives, and really learn to love. I do believe that we can all really learn to love, and “love” in a healthy, fulfilling, and positive way.

Music Selections

As always, I must include love songs, below are several musical selections to bring delicious music to your ears! However, I decided to do something a little differently. This week is “Take Your Musical Pick.” Decide who sang it better! (There are several songs in which there is the original and a remake.) Who do you like better? Feel free to post your comments below!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gz2cUX0CNA8 The Artist: Foreigner ;The Song: I Want to Know What Love Is (Original) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7IhKwvQuGA The Artist: Mariah Carey (Remake)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuZO1iT4kD0 The Artist: Dolly Parton; The Song: I Will Always Love You (Original) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGC003Xz3CY The Artist: Whitney Houston (Remake)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wANfZoE5x_I The Artist: Roberta Flack; The Song: The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face (Original) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fv1cHzPp4-U The Artist: Celine Dion (Remake)

Live Performances! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X35Mundp3j4 The Artist: Lionel Richie & Diana Ross: The Song: Endless Love (Original) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO4tH7kGD_Y&feature=related The Artists: Mariah Carey & Luther Vandross (Remake)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUittJXChGY A 5 min video of the top 20 Love Songs of All time. Enjoy!

Questions, Comments, Ideas to the Reader:

Consequently, I want to hear from you!
· What is love?
· What does it mean to be “in love?”
· Why is love the main topic of discussion (in music, television, film, poetry, books, etc.)?
· Any experiences you’re willing to share about love?
· What about a “first love” versus later “loves?”

Post your comments on this page! I look forward to reading them and I’m sure others will too! Ready, Set, Share!!!

Time ≤ Timing

It’s 8:07 A.M., traffic is horrendous, I overslept by ½ hour, and I’m already seven minutes late for an appointment that I’ve been waiting to have for three weeks now! I’m not only always on time, I’m always early! However, as I make my way into the crowded office building, the C.E.O. of the largest, most successful television network bumps into me. He quickly apologizes and compliments me on my briefcase. We end up briefly chatting and sharing an elevator together, but inevitably are going to different floors. He hands me his crisp, weighted business card and tells me to call if there’s anything he can do to assist me.

Wow! What an amazing chance encounter, which most certainly wouldn’t have happened had I been the usual 20 minutes early for my business appointment. Whether we’re early, late, or are fortunate enough to be punctual, every aspect of our highly developed existence is dependent on some form of time.

So, I got to thinking about not only time, but timing. Doesn’t timing inevitably have everything and nothing to with life? I mean, if it weren’t for timing, would any of us really be exactly who we are today? Would we have experienced all of the many gifts and challenges that life has dealt us?

Life is filled with a variety of both understandable and inexplicable circumstances. The people that come into and leave our lives at certain times and the unusual life altering situations that each and every one of us experiences play a role in the shaping of the kind of person that we are. Nevertheless, all of this is somehow associated with timing.

I can recall a very good friend, telling me when I was in college, that her mother used to tell her that “People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime,” and I must say, I’ve always liked that saying and thought it to be profoundly beautiful and accurate. When you really think about it, everyone isn’t meant to be in your life forever. If you reminisce about childhood friends, high school sweethearts, college heartthrobs, and the mesmerizing number of people that come into our lives, very rarely do people stay longer for the play than Acts I or II.

Perhaps, it really is true. Maybe, the paths of the people we cross are meant to teach us something, hence the “reason” they’re in our life, to aid in the discovery of an important lesson, a skill, an emotion, or a message. As a potential consequence, an even smaller number of people are supposed to spend “a season” with us. Who’s to say how long the season will be, it could me months, years, even decades. Then, there’s those extremely rare individuals who are supposed to spend “a lifetime together,” usually close siblings, our children, or devoted friends with which we are to experience youth, life, and age with. This saying is very much so encapsulated with the very essence of time and timing being at its core.

Even if you think about the future, like where you want to be in five years, what you want to have accomplished, what you want your life to look like (whether it be from the perspective of your career or family, such as married with children), isn’t some of it contingent upon timing? I mean, even if you’re working rigorously towards something, it doesn’t always mean that you’re going to see the results that you want, when you want, right? But, that doesn’t mean you don’t stop working towards whatever your dream, passion, or goal is. It just means that it’s not quite time, yet.

It’s very intriguing to me, because people are always saying things like “You have to take it one day at a time,” but what exactly does that mean? Okay, okay, okay. So, of course, it means the obvious, you can’t rush into things too fast; you have to allow things to take its natural course. I also think this saying suggests people to slow down a little bit, and attempt to live in the moment as opposed to living in the future.

As I make my way into attempting to understand the magnitude and relevance of time and timing, I can’t help but think that simultaneously they are both so connected and so far apart. When the question of time is brought to the forefront, it has a most tangible, concrete undertone present. For example, what time is it? It is 12:30 P.M., and the company picnic was rained out.

However, when the question of timing is evaluated, it tends to have a more abstract, conceptual ring to it. The timing for his promotion was all wrong due to the extreme departmental budget cuts. The very nature of timing tends to have the ability to invoke greater emotional, intellectual, and spiritual discussion.

Even after all of this investigative dialogue, I have one question to pose to you…How and what does time and timing have to do with our lives?

Now on to the music selections for this article,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xJ5LmQmQZqg (The Song: Time after Time; The Artist: Cyndi Lauper. This song has been remade so many times over, that it’s amazing. Definitely a classic song about time.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKXEbSpmpDw (The Song: Til the End of Time; The Artist: Justin Timberlake. This song links time and love together. A very nice soothing feel to this song. Enjoy!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpmILPAcRQo (The Song: Time of my Life; Theme Song from Dirty Dancing. Another classic song that addresses both time and timing!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrNoDUblAtE (The Song: Better in Time; The Artist: Leona Lewis. A great song about how things actually get better in time, and inevitably timing has everything to do with this!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nDxsM5jLNxM (The Song: Remember the Time; The Artist: Michael Jackson. This music collection wouldn’t be complete with one from the King of Pop!)

Beauty, Lies, & Videotape

As I flip through the pages of the latest issue of Elle Magazine, I am bombarded with countless images of gorgeous slender women, strikingly beautiful blue eyes, and long cascading blonde hair.

“Wow! She’s really pretty,” I think to myself. As I’m sure the millions of people with whom this magazine will be circulated will also believe this same notion.

As I continue to turn the lightly-fragranced pages, advertising the latest new, hip, and trendy perfume, I continue to see more and more really pretty girls. “Her red hair is so bright and vibrant, complemented by her freckled nose,” “She looks really exotic and atypical,” I say to myself. I then come across a brunette on page 139, who I’m sure is every man’s dream! She’s slender, has a gorgeous bone structure, and a nice inviting girl-next-door smile. I’m sure ALL the guys love her!

As I continue to flip through the ads and shortly briefed articles, I finally arrive at a make-up advertisement that has a pretty Latina woman with jet black, curly hair, pink full lips, and a deeply penetrating gaze. Not too far behind, on page 202, there’s another woman of color, a very pretty Black woman that has dark brown hair, a nice slender physique, and dark brown eyes showing off her award winning smile as she attempts to convince the reader to invest in a box of hair color highlights.

So, what does all of this mean? Are there hidden (or perhaps, not-so-hidden) beauty messages that are being disseminated to the reader as they read magazines?

There is undeniably a narrow standard of beauty that is not only evident in print publications, but is pervasive everywhere, including: television commercials, advertising and marketing themes, and let’s not forget most aspects of the entertainment/television industry. Now, with the presence of popular culture continuously evolving we have witnessed the incorporation of different images of beauty (which include women of color, Black, Asian, and Latinas).

However, there are many standards that hold true, as to what is perceived as being attractive, beautiful, or desirable across racial and ethnic lines. So, what are the non-negotiable elements when it comes to being perceived as beautiful today? Is there a certain “invisible criteria” that exists when trying to figure who or what considered to be beautiful? Is there, indeed, a standard of beauty in our culture?

Questions, questions, and more questions!

Let me first acknowledge that “true beauty” is, without a doubt, in the eye of the beholder. As with anything, especially when it comes to analyzing things like beauty, or something that requires a certain level of perception, there is definitely a high level of subjectivity involved. What one person thinks is beautiful, or nice, or attractive, another person may totally disagree with. On the other hand, one must admit that there are certain widely accepted stipulations when it comes to a traditional standard of beauty.

Now, one could go into all of the individualized, segmented details as to what fits into the narrow category of what or who is to be considered beautiful. Long hair vs. short hair, light-colored eyes vs. dark colored eyes, thin lips vs. fuller lips, narrow eyes vs. wider eyes, Black vs. White, and the list goes on and on.

Nevertheless, if we were to cast these details to the side for a moment, the largest indicator of what fits into what is “traditionally” beautiful would have to deal with the attractiveness of a woman’s physical body. Let’s face it; very rarely do you see a full-figured woman that’s considered to be the epitome of what is beautiful in a particular ad or presentation in popular media. What’s considered to be beautiful is usually taller vs. shorter and slimmer vs. bigger.

The messages that women are bombarded with on a daily basis are both rigid and contradictory. A woman is expected to be tall and regal, but not too tall (because if that’s the case, you’re some kind of giraffe or something)! A woman is expected to be slim, but not too skinny. She’s expected to have curves, but not too many curves (because then, clearly, you’re just a cheeseburger away from being fat)! She is expected to be independent, but not too independent (because if that’s the case she’ll never be able to get a man). She’s expected to be sexy, but not too sexy (or clearly she’s a whore, hoe, or slut)! And, I promise you, this list is definitely never-ending! Geez! It’s a tad bit overwhelming, don’t you think?!

All of these things that we tell our women, have a psychological effect on the way women perceive themselves. This has a lot to do with the reasons why many women have problems such as: eating disorders, severe cases of depression, along with self esteem and worthiness issues. According to the South Carolina Department of Health, over 8 million Americans have eating disorders (7 million being women, and 1 million being men). In addition to this, 20% of people suffering from anorexia will die prematurely from complications because of their illness (such as heart problems or suicide). Perhaps, it’s just me, or something, but I found this to be alarming, sad, and infuriating all at the same time!

So, how can we begin to address these kinds of issues? Eating disorders, depression, self-esteem issues, high rates of suicide all stem from some lack of self-love. Perhaps, the media contributes to this unrealistic beauty notion, and in many ways popular culture buys into these demented views of superficiality that are supposed to somehow reflect what is considered attractive, beautiful, and desirable.

The one thing that a woman could do to address these kinds of issues is to attempt learn and love herself, “flaws” and all. By surrounding yourself with people that will love and accept you unconditionally, you will begin to learn that you are, in fact, fine the way you are! I think many people would be surprised, but confidence goes a long way! When you’ve found a sound level of internal confidence within yourself, people around you are also able to detect that positive energy.

Growing up, my dad used to always tell me that “beauty is inner and pretty is outer.” And, what can I say? I totally agree with my wise old man! What matters is how you treat the people around you, the way you conduct yourself in the social world, and the inner qualities that make you uniquely special. Of course, this is not to say that people will not judge you on your external qualities, but for you to understand that your internal qualities are the primary indicators of your future success in life.

Dedicated to, Inspired by, and written for all of the beautiful women everywhere! From the beautiful women found in the widely populated places of China, Japan, and the Koreas, to the unconventional and progressive women in Europe (Germany, France, Italy, Spain…), to the beautiful women in the smoldering heat of Africa, to the diversely beautiful women that reside in Latin America (Mexico, Costa Rica, The Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Cuba …), and of course the beautiful women found in the United States, and Canada! This article is really for women everywhere!

For the love of music! I hope you enjoy the songs selected for this article! They were selected with calculated precision! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYQX8J-FFo (The Song: Beautiful; The Artist: Christina Aguilera) The classic and inspirational song for describing what is beautiful! From the inside out! One of my favorites!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uF1mGXCiAb8&feature=related (The Song: The Beauty in Ugly; The Artist: Jason Mraz). I only recently discovered this song, as I was brainstorming and researching songs about beauty. And, I absolutely love it!! Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5Cvq416zuQ (The Song: Beauty and the Beast, The Artist: Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson). One can totally relive their childhood with this theme song from the animated movie, Beauty and the Beast!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64meUVyq7jk&feature=fvst (The Song: Beautiful Girls; The Artist: Sean Kingston). Undoubtedly a fun song that is youthful and full of life as it discusses the subject of beauty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X341gDmnxaE (The Song: Flaws and All; The Artist: Beyonce). Another one of my favorites! As it discusses finding someone who accepts you as you are, which in essence is true beauty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=89GB7z_Ogt0 (The Song: Big Girl (You are Beautiful); The Artist: Mika). What an interesting video that I came across! However, I do like the message of the song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eqn715zIgsI&NR=1 . (The Song: Beautiful Girl; The Artist: Michael Jackson). Love and Beauty, Michael Style! So, I totally had to include a Michael Jackson song, that wasn’t one of his more popular ones, but definitely nice & smooth!

Let the Rat Race Begin!

“I am terribly miserable at my job!” “I mean, I absolutely HATE IT!!” the young 25 year old business professional exclaims to his close friend of seven years.

“I have no sense of creativity or input into the company I work for,” “It’s actually pretty bad when you think about it,” he says as he solemnly shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders.

I’m sure most people would envy being in a position like this, especially being in their twenty’s, single, no children, college educated, and living in a major metropolitan city like New York, Atlanta, or Chicago. The job has a nice fancy title, like “Business Analyst” or “Business Consultant,” and the opportunity to make $60,000+ per year, I mean, what could possibly be wrong?

So, I guess it’s inevitable that we must all eventually grow up, work a bland 9 to 5 job, while we anxiously await our two weeks of paid vacation that we so desperately look forward to every year. Right? Well, maybe not all of us, but, most of us will, if we’re lucky enough to secure job stability with health benefits and a financial vehicle to maintain a sense of attempting to live the “American dream.”

As for the American work culture, we work long, exhausting hours, with a marginal amount of paid vacation time and sick leave, with very little room for advancement in the companies that we are employed by. Ready, set, go! Let the “rat race” begin!

Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering, what’s “rat race?” A rat race is often described as a “mad scramble or an intense competitive struggle, such as in the business world.” Other sources describe a rat race as “an activity or situation which is congested with participants and is very hectic or tedious, especially in the context of a busy modern lifestyle.” More traditional sources define a rat race as “an endless, self-defeating or pointless pursuit as in the futile efforts of a lab rat trying to escape, but ultimately achieves nothing meaningful.”

Most Americans work a “dead-end” job that allows for limited progression. It doesn’t really matter if you are working at a fast food-restaurant, a retail job or a Fortune 500 company. The results are the same. You begin with a position in the company and if you’re lucky, you’re able to progress within a few positions above where you started. Then finally, you hit the ceiling of your company. There’s no more room for upward growth.

Ultimately, this translates to large numbers of dissatisfied workers within all sectors of the American work world. However, the research shows that business owners and entrepreneurs tend to have more positive associations with work, than non-business owners. This is probably the case because entrepreneurs are usually doing something that they genuinely love, they are allotted creative control within their company, and possess the ability to make decisions about the direction in which the company is going to develop.

Now, getting back to the millions of Americans that are extremely displeased with their work situation, what exactly are the effects? One thing for sure, is that people are dealing with increased levels of stress and even depression. It’s always been thought that people go through a mid-life crisis somewhere around their 40’s (but sometimes a little earlier, perhaps in their late 30’s or even a little later as in their 50’s). However, one may find that younger and younger adults are experiencing this mid-life crisis, or perhaps it should be called the “quarter-life crisis.”

The notion of a mid-life crisis was coined by Dr. Carl Jung, a well known psychologist, which described this brief life stage as being a natural, maturing process in which the person begins to experience a wide range of feelings. One of the common themes is a feeling of discontent with their life, feelings of unhappiness regarding different activities that used to make them happy, and a sense of confusion about who you are and where you are going with your life.

If one examines the idea that this is occurring more and more frequently in younger adults, this strongly suggests that external circumstances (job, work environment, etc.) are beginning to play an even larger role in how our mind and body responds to such situations. The increased levels of stress, the suffering of mild and moderate levels of depression, coupled with the difficult challenges of people trying to carve their way through their professional, social, and romantic worlds can make for a rather interesting rollercoaster ride, called “Life.”

Now, how exactly does one deal with the challenging mental stressors of the “rat race?” How do you move past the mid-life or the quarter-life crisis? How do we regain a sense of positive life control when our world is spiraling in complete chaos?

You know, I’m not sure if anyone really has the answer to these complex questions. However, the only purely genuine answer that I can come up with has to do with a person continuously trying to journey down their own path of self discovery. I think one must go back to basics. What brings true delight in your life? What are some tangible things that contribute to your overall happiness? Are there certain people in your life that are a consistent source of light for you?

Perhaps, taking the time to reevaluate our life priorities might provide us with the steps necessary to deal with the stresses of the “rat race.” In addition to this, finding a job, career, or occupation that brings us a sense of joy and fulfillment will make it easier to cope with all of the negative aspects of our strenuous work culture. According to Norman Peale, “a life of inner peace, being harmonious and without stress is the easiest type of existence,” and this inner peace actually has the ability to alleviate life’s stressful situations.

This article is inspired by, dedicated to, and written for my dear friend, DeNorris Johnson. I love you!

As for the song choice for this article, I hope you enjoy the music selection!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UmLedW-YYfE (The Song: Chain Gang; The Artist: Sam Cooke.) (I figured this song is nice representation of how stressful work can be! I’m sure many people believe that they in so many ways are “working on the chain gang!”)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVMhxqWVdqs (The Song: Work to Do; The Artist: Vanessa Williams.) (I really think this is a nice early 90’s song that discusses all of the work that has to be done, particularly from a female perspective.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGUsF-Whb1g (The Song: Everything is Everything; The Artist: Lauryn Hill) (One of my favorites and undoubtedly a beautifully classic song, that is inspirational about this life theme! Enjoy!)

No Worries! No Contracts! No Commitment!

Since when did our culture become virtually obsessed with being commitment-free? I mean, we can’t even commit to a phone service provider, a career occupation, our education, a dream, our faith, let alone another person. It’s as if this noncommittal attitude is quite normal and in many ways perceived as being acceptable in today’s American culture.

It’s amazing to contrast yesterday, as in decades ago, and today. Yesterday, it used to be quite common to find people that worked for the same company or in the same industry for 20+ years. Today this is ever so obsolete; the average American changes their job every 3-5 years. Now, of course, one could argue that there are a variety of reasons that contribute to this dramatic shift in the workplace. However, one cannot ignore the underlying commitment factor. People are “tired” of working the same job or for the same company and want a fresh start.

We know that increased education directly correlates to a higher quality of life. Nevertheless, we still witness high dropout rates in high school and college. Today, we just can’t seem to finish anything, whether it’s a higher education program course of study, our ability to value our commitment to one’s faith or our marriage that we so willingly stood before our partner, our family, loved ones, and God.

The exceedingly high divorce rate which continues to soar, the astronomically high rates of infidelity within marriages and committed relationships, and the ambiguousness of relationships between men and women that involve a sexual relationship without the commitment factor is definitive evidence that this is a major dilemma. How is it that we’ve accepted having all or most of the privileges of being in a committed relationship (like sex, children, living together, financial duties, etc.) without accepting the escalated level of commitment that is necessary in order to build and maintain a healthy relationship?

The fact that we have problems with commitment, especially in the since of long-term relationships and marriage, displays the true depth of our selfishness. We feel it’s okay to bailout when difficult times arise. It’s all about me, what I want, how I feel, and most importantly what’s best for me. Don’t we realize that when we make the choice, and it is indeed a choice, to embark on a romantic journey, that it is no longer about me! It is now that I have to consider another person’s needs, not just my own. I am forced to accept and care for our needs together.

A good friend once told me that the problem is, people always put the “me” before “we,” and he is absolutely right! I must admit, it comes almost natural, for people to put themselves before their partner or their relationship, at least in today’s culture. Our values have changed, we value being autonomous and independent more so than being compassionate and being concerned with the needs of others.

Now, I’m fully aware that sometimes it won’t work, due to excruciating circumstances, such as physical, mental, or emotional abuse within a committed relationship. Perhaps, reoccurring episodes of infidelity and dishonesty. However, more often than not, we simply give up. We decide that it’s just too hard and we can’t do it anymore. We don’t exhaust every measure possible to try to make it work, which often times would include seeking external help, such as marriage and relationship counseling, therapy, etc.

So, how do we begin to fix, what I call, the commitment crisis?

We must first be mindful of what it means to commit to something or someone. Commitment has everything to do with pledging yourself, your support, and your energy into a specific task, whether it is a relationship, a job, a dream, your education, or your faith. It is important for us to understand that this vow or promise should not be taken lightly. Commitment also stems from loyalty. If one is uncertain of what it takes to fulfill such an obligation, then one should investigate what it means and whether or not they have what it takes to be successful in their venture.

In many ways, it boils down to communication; being able to communicate your concerns, your fears, your questions, your feelings, your frustrations to your partner (if in a relationship) or someone that can aid you (if the problem is committing to your education, your dream, your faith, etc). Sometimes communication is difficult. Allowing ourselves to communicate our feelings often times leaves us in a state of vulnerability, though this extremely important if we plan on working through our unresolved commitment issues.

I’m sure everyone has something, and probably several things, that we can work on when it comes to commitment. I want to challenge everyone to at least three things in their life that they are going to strive to improve on when it comes to commitment, whether it’s your marriage or relationship, a friendship that needs more attention, if it’s school or education-related, or if it has something to do with your faith, a dream you have (that you haven’t fully committed to), or if it’s a lifestyle alteration (exercise, drinking more water, making healthier food choices, etc).

I want to encourage everyone that you do, indeed, have what it takes to commit to anything in your life that needs improvement, as long as you are open and receptive to positive growth and change! American novelist (1936), Tom Robbins suggests that you “stay committed to your decisions, but stay flexible in your approach,” and I would argue then and only then will you not only be successful in your decisions but you will continue to experience true soulful growth as an individual.

- There are so many angles one could choose to go with the song selection for this article. I chose to provide a variety of songs that would reinforce the notion of commitment.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkRSMaCjCjw (The Song: Closer; The Artist: Goapele. This song is about becoming closer to one’s dreams. It is only with a strong sense of commitment that one can achieve all of their heart’s dreams and desires.)
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xno5jcx_z2I (The Song: Underappreciated; The Artist: Christina Aguilera. This song is about one’s frustrations in a committed, romantic relationship, and how she feels underappreciated after all of the efforts that she has exerted into this committed relationship. Make sure you check out the lyrics on the sidebar by clicking “more info”)
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zuTKD7_okUA (The Song: Commitment; The Artist: Leann Rimes. This song is about finding commitment in a romantic relationship.)

The N-Word ("Nigger") vs. the C-Word ("Cracker")--Are they Created Equal?

Disclaimer & Brief Note to the Reader: This article will investigate some sensitive ideas, concepts, and language that many people will find offensive as it relates to race relations. For the candid purpose of this article it is necessary to use and discuss this language without attempting to sensor it. It is my sincere hope that you will still continue to travel and take this challenging, and at some points uncomfortable journey with me as we might explore the question of race and racial oppression.

“Man, you ain’t nuthin but a cracker!” “A CRACKER!” “A CRACKER!” “You hear me!” The sixteen year old black male aggressively says, as he attempts to insight fear in his white counterpart at the lunchroom cafeteria.

For the ninth consecutive day, the fifteen year old white male from South Georgia has endured aggressive remarks from his schoolmate. After attempting to bottle up his emotions, he yells back, “You Nigger, You!” The cafeteria erupts in a tortured, unnerving silence.

Words like “cracker” and “nigger,” are filled with a great deal of hatred and negative energy. The discussion of racist, cruel language is necessary in order to provide clarity, seek understanding, and eventually end racially motivated offenses. Which brings up a rather interesting question, when it comes to racial slurs, and word s that are meant to intentionally offend, demean, and hurt another individual, are they all created equal?

Let’s first begin by examining what “Mr. Webster “has to say about these two words. According to Webster’s dictionary, the term “cracker” has several meanings, including: “a bragging liar,” “a dry thin crispy baked bread product,” “(usually disparaging) a poor usually Southern white,” and “(capitalized) a native or resident of Florida or Georgia—used as a nickname.” The term “nigger” is defined as “(usually offensive) a black person,” “a member of any dark-skinned race,” and “a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons.”

When attempting to understand the word “nigger,” one must be mindful of the extensive history that this word carries. It encompasses hundreds of years of enslaved individuals that were treated as property and second class citizens. The term was used by whites in power, as a derogatory expression to describe people of color (non-white), but specifically people of any type of African descent. As time progressed out of this troubling era of slavery, the word still managed to survive into the 1920’s, through the civil rights movement, and is still visibly present in 2009.

In attempting to gain an understanding of the word “cracker,” (as a hurtful, racial slur), is most often used by people of color when discussing whites in a condescending context. The term “cracker” is in many ways equated to “poor white trash” or the notion of “trailer trash” all of which have a stereotypically negative image associated with whites. This presents whites as being of low-class, unrefined, and “dirty.”

Which brings up the question, are these two damagingly harmful words created equal? Are they, indeed, the same thing?

Despite the fact, that both of these words have a wide range of similarities, they are not at all “equal” or the same. The words “nigger” and “cracker” when used are both highly offensive, intended to be harmful and demeaning, and ultimately are rooted in negativity and hatred. However, the severe difference between these two words, that must be acknowledged, is that the term “nigger” has an extensively oppressive history behind it. It was used by a group of people (whites) that had social, political, and economic power over blacks. That being said, when a person of power and privilege uses such a degrading term that goes back hundreds and hundreds of years ago, can it really be comparable to a word that was created as a reactionary measure by a group of people with no social, economic, or political power?

These two terms simply cannot equate to each other. No matter how much time has expired since the disproportionate era of excessive oppression (as in slavery), when whites choose to use the word “nigger” towards a black person, it simply cannot be understood that: “Nigger” = “Cracker.”
Now, I haven’t forgotten to examine the usage of the difference between “nigger” vs. “nigga,” however, that will embody quite another lengthy discussion, which I’m sure we will have in the near future.

The essential key to remember is that BOTH of these words are highly offensive, dreadfully insulting, and should NEVER be used! As we continue to move forward in the new millennium, and race relations begin to strengthen and get better, it’s important for people to be considerate of others. To treat someone differently because of their race (whether they are White or Black or Latino or Asian), because of their gender (whether it’s a man or a woman), because of their perceived class (and how much money they make or don’t make), or because of their sexual orientation (gay, straight, or bisexual) is wrong. Diversity is beautiful and should be celebrated. It is what makes our lives, relationships, and the world in which we live in uniquely exquisite. “We are of course a nation of differences. Those differences don’t make us weak. It is those differences that make us strong,” according to Jimmy Carter.

- Dedicated to and Inspired by Mrs. Emily Anne Smith and Ms. Mallory Dumford!! Inspired by our heartfelt conversations that never cease to exist! I love you very much! Emily and Mallory, I hope you will continue to share with me your meaningful experiences and your candid degree of insight as we continue to walk down this road we call life.

-I’m sure many may find this song choice a little cheesy, but I actually LOVE it!! It’s blissfully happy and celebrates diversity!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNCvdxyPplc (The Song: Ebony and Ivory; The Artists: Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder)

Laugh and Cry, Live and Die--An Investigation Behind the Meaning of Life

Still Grieving, Still Healing

I can’t believe it
It’s been three years
And I’m still grieving, still healing
From the traumatic experience of
Losing you

I get so frustrated with myself
For still feeling the pain
That lies dormant in my aching heart
Memories of you and me
Burst into my thoughts and dreams
Occasionally cleansed by a never-ending
Flood of tears.

And, even so,
I realize that I’m still grieving, still healing
From losing my close friend,
My inseparable college companion,
My sassy southern sister
And it’s been three years

It’s May, now
The weather is warming up
The flowers are in bloom
A delicious season to go horseback riding,
As only you could
Appreciate such a
Vibrantly sun-filled time of year

It is May, again
The month of your birth,
24 years ago
Just 2 months,
3 years ago
Before you left
Ever so abruptly, without a trace
And, Somehow,
I’m still grieving, still healing

I wonder if this intense pain in my heart
Will ever subside,
Will it ever go away?
I am stationary, puzzled, and bewildered
However,
All I know is that
I am still grieving, and hopefully,
Still healing

Laugh and Cry, Live and Die—
An Investigation Behind the Meaning of Life

As we move through the world, we are constantly bombarded with a variety of different life situations that force us to ponder countless challenging questions, complicated life experiences, and inexplicable feelings. One complex issue is and has been attempting to fully grasp the meaning of life. And, of course, one cannot adequately discuss the meaning of life without also investigating the inverse of life, which is death.

In July of 2006, I lost, unexpectedly my close college friend, Bryn in an airplane accident. Bryn and I were undoubtedly “thick as thieves” as the old saying goes. We lived in the same miniature size dorm hall together, had endless amounts of dinners together (I mean at least 5 or 6 times a week), partied together, studied together, traveled together, and most importantly bonded together (laughed, cried, and vented on a daily basis). We were college sisters for three years, until just after her 21st birthday her life was abruptly cut short.

As most people having experienced the sudden loss of a loved one, can attest, it sends you on an emotional rollercoaster ride, usually one that you’ll never forget. The wide range of highs and lows, the intensity of anger and deep sorrow all tend to spiral uncontrollably in your mind, body, and spirit. Upon experiencing such an unexpected change in our daily life and consistent life routines, it often leads us to ask more questions, and inherently attempt to seek answers to these exhausting questions.

I have discovered that there are a variety of issues that plagues my mental sensation regarding the notion behind life and death. The most extensive questions that I consistently mull over are: What exactly is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What is the point of our human existence, and most importantly what are we supposed to get out of life? Of course, I think many people will tie a certain spiritual element to life, which I would strongly agree with. And, in many cases, I think that this is perhaps, the most obvious answer to these questions. The notion of spirituality, religiosity, and faith is very much so a foundational and fundamental component to every aspect of life, love, and relationships.

However, let’s perhaps, dig deeper and challenge ourselves to find an additional explanation as to a more tangible explanation regarding the purpose and the meaning of life. After assessing this theme in great detail for the past several years, I’ve finally arrived with potential answers to these questions that have inundated my intricately-woven thoughts.

When it comes to the meaning of life, I’m sure that many people would have numerous potential explanations. I suspect that it’s just one of those topics that everyone either has an opinion about, no opinion at all, or there is more than likely a large audience of people that has never actually given much thought about this concept.

I would argue that the meaning of life is directly related to the value of having relationships. Relationships with everyone around you; from one’s own personal relationship with God (and this crosses religious faiths), relationships with family, friends, acquaintances, boyfriends, girlfriends, marital partners, roommates, coworkers, and the list goes on. Through relationships we have the ability to experience a wide range of emotions, from happiness, to sadness, from love, to anger, from confusion, to frustration, and this list, too, is limitless. Being able to experience such a wide range of emotions through relationships allows for us to have the ability to learn, grow, and (often times) experience a deep level of transformation into our own quest for self discovery.

I would argue that having and maintaining relationships with people (and for some people that would also include: relationships with animals, hobbies or extracurricular activities that one may be extremely passionate about, and perhaps, even certain inanimate objects) aids in our ability to have what I would deem as a “full life.” The ability to experience the richness that life has to offer comes from the relationships and experiences that we encounter, and is essentially what life is all about.

Once our time, or the time of a relationship with a person with whom we care about has expired, what’s left?

What’s left are the unique memories that will forever live in our mind of the experiences that we shared with that person. What’s left are the indescribable imprints on our heart that were left by the person’s extraordinary amount of individuality, charm, and zest for life. What’s left—is the relationship that we will forever cherish with that person, how we learned and grew from it, and how it has contributed to the person that we are in the present.

The interesting thing is, once it’s all said and done, we have the ability to revisit relationships, even when they have physically been erased (either by death, time, space, or circumstance) and relive them. We have the ability to acquire knowledge from these past experiences and apply them to the new relationships in our current lives. Bertrand Russell believes that “the good life is inspired by love and guided by knowledge,” all of which arrive out of relationships.

- Dedicated in loving memory to Bryn Moulder (May 21, 1985- July 26, 2006) An Unfortunate Story of Death. http://www.onlineathens.com/stories/072906/news_20060729051.shtml

- Dedicated to a new priceless contribution to my life, Alaina Shapiro. A Magical Story of Life.
http://www.allareourheroes.com/vplayer.cfm?VideoID=173
(Alaina, I'm so very proud of the obstacles you've overcome, and look forward to walking with you on the journey into the upcoming stages of our lives together. I love you!)

- This article wouldn’t be complete if I neglected to include some select music choices. I find that music is and has always been therapeutic for me! (I’m 200% positive that I get this trait from my father!) The following songs are some of my favorites when analyzing the struggles of life and death. I hope that you will find them delightful and perhaps, therapeutic as well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zJ_j6YVCKYM (The Song: Yesterday; The Artist: Leona Lewis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5IIXeR5OUI (The Song: What a Wonderful World; The Artist: Louis Armstrong)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hdlc3Q2iS8 (The Song: One Sweet Day; The Artist: Boyz II Men and Mariah Carey)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI2-cQqS9Mg (The Song: Live in the Sky; The Artist: T.I. f/ Jamie Foxx)

The Radical Relationship Bank

It’s a warm Saturday night, in a city that doesn’t sleep until a delicious sunrise begins to peak in the distance. The attractive young man quickly parks his black BMW, as he hurriedly approaches the Bank of America ATM machine. He withdraws $160 in cash as he prepares for his electrifying journey into the city nightlife. The night is young and promises to be full of excitement.

Across town, a late twenty-something year old lady, is also headed for a thrilling destination that guarantees to be filled with dancing, meeting new friends, and rekindling connections with old friends. She’s scheduled to meet her close college girl friend for their nightlife adventure, as she heads to the nearest ATM machine for cash. She parks her black cherry colored Mercedes as she runs up to the ATM machine and attempts to withdraw $80. Only, there is an error message coming up on the screen that reads “No account funds available for withdrawal.” What?! She’s a successful corporate attorney who makes over $85K a year –this should not be happening! The machine was working just fine for the patron before her. What exactly is going on?!

How dreadfully embarrassing and disappointing to not be able to withdraw money from your bank account, especially when you know you’ve been making deposits regularly. This cycle of deposits and withdrawals is a lot like relationships. Whether or not we realize it, when we spend time with people (family, friends, romantic partners, etc.) we are choosing to emotionally invest ourselves in these individuals. Time, in essence, is a priceless resource in which we have the liberty to spend, but can never actually get back.

As we consciously or unconsciously choose to emotionally invest (spend time and energy) with people, it is of extreme importance that we make sure this person is, indeed, worth it. Now, how can one assess whether or not a person is worthy of your emotional investment? It can easily be evaluated by the experiences that we engage in, grow from, and ultimately help us to foster our own sense of positive well being. There are several questions one should consider asking themselves, including: What kinds of positive benefits am I reaping by being exposed to this person on a regular basis? Is this person contributing to or taking away from my overall sense of happiness? Furthermore, do the positive characteristics substantially outweigh the negative qualities in this person and in our relationship?

After posing all of these questions, sometimes the answer will become blatantly obvious as to whether or not this particular individual is worth our emotional investment. And, of course, there may be other times in which the answer is not as apparent. However, one must be mindful, that as we continue to expend our time and energy into people, it’s as if we are making deposits into a bank. By making yourself available to a particular person we are depositing a little bit of ourselves into their bank. This includes everything from being there for the person should their car battery die, to helping them study all night for their entrance exam, to listening to them vent about their no-good boyfriend, and helping them dry their tears when their cat dies.

All of this is fine and dandy, making deposits in the bank, but it’s important to know that at the end of the day you will have the ability to make withdrawals from this same bank, when necessary. These withdrawals could be that you need assistance because your computer crashed and you need help to pay an overdue bill online or your wonderfully loving dog of 12 years passes away and it saddens you and you want to talk to someone about it; but instead this person is too busy because he’s in the middle of playing a really competitive video game or is about to go watch the football game with friends at the local sports bar. It places a taxing strain on you, when you’ve made an abundance of sacrifices to help, support, and nurture someone, and at the end of the day that person is not willing to endure the same amount of challenges when you need help and support.

Everyone wants interest to accrue on their monetary investment. No one wants their money to turn into some kind of unexpected, detrimental liability. Most people invest with the hope that eventually their investments will takeoff and turn a profit. The same is true when we take the time out to invest in people that we care about. We hope that, when the time comes, we will be able to count on that person to be there to support and aid us in life’s difficult challenges. If this person, somehow, does not come through when we need them, it is our job to acknowledge this circumstance and adjust the relationship accordingly. It makes no sense to keep investing in a particular company, bank, person, or otherwise when the profitability rate continues to decrease, the company is not performing adequately, the bank is losing money, or the person is not willing to extend a helping hand to someone who has helped them in the past and who is currently in need of support.

In today’s economy, one cannot afford to be careless with their money, or to invest in something that will not prove to be successful. The risk of failure is much higher today than ever before. It used to be that banks were financially secure, highly dependable, and fairly trustworthy, kind of like people. The characteristics that people used to possess and value, 20, 30, 40+ years ago were filled with a lot more sincerity and authenticity when it came to helping others, being reliable, and maintaining positive relationships with people that they care about. Now, culturally, our priorities have changed (in many ways, not for the better). People no longer pride themselves on being trustworthy, helping their neighbors, or maintaining constructive relationships. Our culture has indeed, become excruciatingly self-absorbed and egotistical when it comes to satisfying our own needs and ignoring the needs of others.

All of this being said, the central notion of this discussion, is for us to take the time out to evaluate the kinds of relationships and the people with whom we expend a lot of time and energy with. It is ever so imperative to enjoy life now, while continuously striving for fruitful, healthy relationships in the future. This process of positive, healthy relationship building must involve worthy investments, which would be the right kinds of people that contribute sincerely to our life. Oprah Winfrey believes that “lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” I, personally, couldn’t agree more!

-Dedicated to every man, woman, and child so that we might all, someday, have the ability to make wise emotional investments of the heart!

-Inspired and written for ALL of my many friends with whom I have had endless conversations about this relationship analogy that I have developed (particularly, Ash who loves Pringles, Cyn who loves the Sun, y mi Javier)!

- It wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t include my second favorite love—music, with this writing piece. The song choice that I have selected is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P3RUVy7OrU a classic (The Song: A Woman’s Worth; The Artist: Alicia Keys)! I chose this song selection due to the fact the song actually stresses the worth and value tied to an individual. However, this song is primarily highlights the romantic aspect of a woman being an emotional investment into the life of a man and vice versa.

- I hope you find this article and song choice to be deliciously insightful and thought-provoking (and I anxiously await your comments on the subject at hand)!!

Happily Ever After-Fact or Fiction?

The strikingly handsome young prince sailed into the village filled with an abundance of young, old, and middle aged peasants. On his pristine horseback, he moved slowly as he began to navigate his way through the foreign culture. Everything was different from this side of the oceanic sea, that is, until he caught site of a uniquely, stunning young woman. Her eyes were filled with a sincere amount of purity, her statuesque figure was graceful and refined, and after he was granted the opportunity to meet her, her personality was refreshingly charming and filled with a warm nurturing spirit.

They spent several weeks under the stars together learning and growing in love. He taught her the ways of his world filled with style and grace, all the while she taught him the ways of her world filled with lending a hand to those in need and deep humility. Soon, they were married, had an extravagant wedding and lived happily ever after.

In just about every animated and written fairytale, the characters always live happily ever after. Even if you examine an abundance of films, especially romantic comedies made for adults, the characters here also tend to magically live happily ever after. It seems that not only has almost every aspect of creative artistry adopted this notion of happily ever after, but so have we, the people of a civilized society. In our romantic relationships we have somehow accepted that we will one day find our true love, our soul mate and live happily ever after, you know, like in the fairytales.

Now the only problem is, is that in the fairytales we never are actually shown what all happily ever after entails. It is left up to our imagination, as we witness Prince Charming and the newly crowned princess ride lovingly into the effervescent sunset free from all of the stresses and worries that life will bring them. And, yet somehow we hope, imagine, and even expect our life to mimic this fabricated fantasy.

As women, we hope to find our dashing prince, who will sweep us off our feet, treat us like the princess that we know we are, and if we’re lucky have an endless cash flow so that all of our financial burdens might be a distant memory. As men, we hope to find our amazingly attractive princess who will cater to our every need, support whole-heartedly all of our endeavors without the slightest bit of resistance, and most importantly respect and serve us like the kings that we are. By the way, did I mention she’s got to be attractive, good-looking, gorgeous, or at the very least—pretty? Okay, just checking. Now, one cannot forget the most significant quality in our picturesque, happily ever after relationships, which is your partner and your life together, will be—perfect. Okay, so not all the time, just most of the time, like more than 50% of the time.

Now, this is where the real problems begin. We have, often times unknowingly projected some unrealistic fantasy onto our loved one, or future loved one, and expect this to be what a normal, healthy relationship will look like. However, this is extremely problematic. How can anyone live up to such a bizarre and illogical dream? How can anyone expect to compare to beautifully creative words written in a romantic love story? Now, this goes for women and men, but is especially true for women.

So, what do you think? Do you believe in the notion of happily ever after? Is it possible for a person or a couple to really live happily ever after?

I’m sure a lot of people out there would easily say no, of course not. Nevertheless, I without a doubt, completely free of hesitation think that it is entirely possible for a couple or an individual to live happily ever after. Utilizing my rational optimistic ability, I’m confident that this is most certainly plausible. As for the skeptics, I’m sure they have one question, how?

It is possible to live happily ever after. Now this does not mean that everything is going to be “happy” all the time and they’re probably will be moments, in which we are not happy most of the time. But, this doesn’t mean that we are not living happily ever after. In order to live happily ever after, you have to work at it, just like anything else. The mark of being able to live happily ever after is to be able to experience the extreme highs and the extreme lows of life and still come out of each situation as a unit, an even stronger unit than before. Being able to sustain the emotional rollercoaster of life, the deep traumatic pitfalls of various situations and for your relationship to not become severely broken as a result—that’s what it means to live happily ever after.

That being said, in the traditional sense of everything being perfect, well that’s most certainly no possible. I’m sure most will agree that the notion of something being perfect is both impractical and unfeasible. So, to live happily ever after does not include something to be perfect, since theoretically, nothing is perfect. However, it does mean that with the right amount of consistent effort, a steady amount of diligence between two people maintaining open, honest communication, while continuously learning and growing together, living happily ever after can exist.

Positive, healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationships can be a reality. These relationships with continuous work can manifest itself into the concept of living happily ever after. As Margaret Bonnano puts it, “it is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.” That being said, we should attempt to strive to live happily ever after and make that a reality as we move forward in our romantic relationships.

- Written, dedicated, and perhaps challenged, but eventually accepted by and for the Thompson Director! :-) (Lol!)
- Wow! Who knew? There’s an ideal song to coincide with this article, it is my hope that you may find it enjoyable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IZOcEEqTC8 (The Song: Happily Ever After (why, of course)! The Artist: Case)

To be or not to be Alone, That is the Question!

“I can’t do this! I just can’t do this anymore!” The young, attractive 25 year old girl yells into the phone, as she attempts to communicate her frustrations to her close friend of five years.

“I mean, I’m not sure if I can be in a relationship with him; but I just don’t want to be alone” she continues solemnly.

It doesn’t always sound like this. However, more often than not the end result is the same. We don’t want to be alone, right? Women (and let’s not forget men either) have an irreversible fear of being alone. Let’s face it, no one wants to grow old by themselves, miss out on all those wonderfully romantic couple-type affairs, and no one wants to be alone.

The interesting question to ask here is: What expense is too high to avoid be alone? Of course, the answer to this question would vary drastically from person to person. It’s not uncommon to find women (and men) that are subjected to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse within the realm of their relationship. And, for these individuals, no expense is too high, because despite being subjected to an unhealthy relationship, they still choose to be in that relationship—perhaps, to avoid being alone.

Nevertheless, my question to you is: What’s so wrong with being alone (as in being single)? I mean, you have the liberty and the freedom to move through your world as you please. Gone are the “honey, I’m just checking in” phone calls, and the consistent mind-altering stressors of “I wonder what (s)he is doing now,” and “will (s)he like what I picked out for them.” Being single can be a refreshing, exhilarating experience in which one gets the true opportunity to get to know oneself.

Now, this is not to say, that people should strive to be single, but, people should allow themselves to be comfortable being “alone” (single). Everyone is different, but when it comes to women, we are taught through a variety of sources (the media, familial culture and traditions, etc) that to some extent our sense of self worth is tied to a man. Even if you were to examine the animated fairytales previewed by millions of young girls around the world, they all suggest that your life is, somehow, complete once you find your prince charming. So, my agony comes from the millions of Cinderellas, Sleeping Beauties, and Pocahontases that are on their quest to find their Prince Charming, but somehow settle for being in dysfunctional, problematic relationships with the Wicked Wizards, all to avoid being alone.

I want to remind all of my fairytale princesses (and I can’t forget about you stunning princes as well) that it is worse to be in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with someone who drains your energy, than to be “alone.” At least when you are alone, you can focus all of your energy into hobbies, activities (such as painting, drawing, sewing, playing sports, cooking, etc.), and people (especially family and friends) that will enhance your life, instead of detract from it. Mmm…what could possibly be worse? I know! Subjecting oneself to a damaging, harmful relationship with another physical being, because you know what? In the end, you’re still alone. Only it’s worse because you are alone in an unsupportive, unfit relationship in which your mate doesn’t understand you, is inconsiderate of your feelings, and takes advantage of you—sounds like being alone to me (particularly in the deepest sense of being alone).

I would argue that the fear of being “alone” stems from a person feeling “lonely.” This notion of feeling lonely is a deep sense of longing to be connected with others, however, in some form or fashion they are not completely able to fully connect with other people. The implied concept of feeling lonely is when you don’t feel as if you have someone to turn to, you’re absent a person to lean on, and there’s no shoulder to cry on.

Now, this leads to the million dollar question of the day: What can a person do to combat their fears of being alone and shield themselves from the side effects of being lonely?

The most effective thing anyone can do, and I know it sounds ridiculously cliché, is to learn to love, accept, and understand themselves. Sometimes that means taking out a substantial amount of “me” time to learn different things about oneself. Sometimes that means spending a substantial amount of time with loved ones (close family and friends) with whom we know will love and accept us effortlessly and without critical judgment. Every day we are constantly growing and changing and with technology this is especially true. It is of the utmost importance that we continue to have open, honest dialogue with ourselves.

Just go ahead, and make it happen! Take the time out to analyze yourself and all of your close relationships around you. Do they make you happy? Are they warm, fulfilling and nurturing to your spirit? If not, then take a second look at these relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) and make the necessary adjustments in order to bring that sense of contentment and blissful growth to your own lives!

In closing, I leave you with this amazingly accurate quote by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, “You cannot be lonely if you like who you are alone with.” (I couldn’t have said it better, if I’d tried! Well, maybe?!)

- Inspired, written, and dedicated to my many girlfriends (and guy friends) who are in relationships, my single girlfriends, and my Ash!
- I didn’t even realize how this song fit perfectly and unintentionally with my article analogies. Perhaps, you will find it delightfully amusing!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cGQoPmefyA (The song: Fairytales, The artist: Sara Bareilles)