The Radical Relationship Bank

It’s a warm Saturday night, in a city that doesn’t sleep until a delicious sunrise begins to peak in the distance. The attractive young man quickly parks his black BMW, as he hurriedly approaches the Bank of America ATM machine. He withdraws $160 in cash as he prepares for his electrifying journey into the city nightlife. The night is young and promises to be full of excitement.

Across town, a late twenty-something year old lady, is also headed for a thrilling destination that guarantees to be filled with dancing, meeting new friends, and rekindling connections with old friends. She’s scheduled to meet her close college girl friend for their nightlife adventure, as she heads to the nearest ATM machine for cash. She parks her black cherry colored Mercedes as she runs up to the ATM machine and attempts to withdraw $80. Only, there is an error message coming up on the screen that reads “No account funds available for withdrawal.” What?! She’s a successful corporate attorney who makes over $85K a year –this should not be happening! The machine was working just fine for the patron before her. What exactly is going on?!

How dreadfully embarrassing and disappointing to not be able to withdraw money from your bank account, especially when you know you’ve been making deposits regularly. This cycle of deposits and withdrawals is a lot like relationships. Whether or not we realize it, when we spend time with people (family, friends, romantic partners, etc.) we are choosing to emotionally invest ourselves in these individuals. Time, in essence, is a priceless resource in which we have the liberty to spend, but can never actually get back.

As we consciously or unconsciously choose to emotionally invest (spend time and energy) with people, it is of extreme importance that we make sure this person is, indeed, worth it. Now, how can one assess whether or not a person is worthy of your emotional investment? It can easily be evaluated by the experiences that we engage in, grow from, and ultimately help us to foster our own sense of positive well being. There are several questions one should consider asking themselves, including: What kinds of positive benefits am I reaping by being exposed to this person on a regular basis? Is this person contributing to or taking away from my overall sense of happiness? Furthermore, do the positive characteristics substantially outweigh the negative qualities in this person and in our relationship?

After posing all of these questions, sometimes the answer will become blatantly obvious as to whether or not this particular individual is worth our emotional investment. And, of course, there may be other times in which the answer is not as apparent. However, one must be mindful, that as we continue to expend our time and energy into people, it’s as if we are making deposits into a bank. By making yourself available to a particular person we are depositing a little bit of ourselves into their bank. This includes everything from being there for the person should their car battery die, to helping them study all night for their entrance exam, to listening to them vent about their no-good boyfriend, and helping them dry their tears when their cat dies.

All of this is fine and dandy, making deposits in the bank, but it’s important to know that at the end of the day you will have the ability to make withdrawals from this same bank, when necessary. These withdrawals could be that you need assistance because your computer crashed and you need help to pay an overdue bill online or your wonderfully loving dog of 12 years passes away and it saddens you and you want to talk to someone about it; but instead this person is too busy because he’s in the middle of playing a really competitive video game or is about to go watch the football game with friends at the local sports bar. It places a taxing strain on you, when you’ve made an abundance of sacrifices to help, support, and nurture someone, and at the end of the day that person is not willing to endure the same amount of challenges when you need help and support.

Everyone wants interest to accrue on their monetary investment. No one wants their money to turn into some kind of unexpected, detrimental liability. Most people invest with the hope that eventually their investments will takeoff and turn a profit. The same is true when we take the time out to invest in people that we care about. We hope that, when the time comes, we will be able to count on that person to be there to support and aid us in life’s difficult challenges. If this person, somehow, does not come through when we need them, it is our job to acknowledge this circumstance and adjust the relationship accordingly. It makes no sense to keep investing in a particular company, bank, person, or otherwise when the profitability rate continues to decrease, the company is not performing adequately, the bank is losing money, or the person is not willing to extend a helping hand to someone who has helped them in the past and who is currently in need of support.

In today’s economy, one cannot afford to be careless with their money, or to invest in something that will not prove to be successful. The risk of failure is much higher today than ever before. It used to be that banks were financially secure, highly dependable, and fairly trustworthy, kind of like people. The characteristics that people used to possess and value, 20, 30, 40+ years ago were filled with a lot more sincerity and authenticity when it came to helping others, being reliable, and maintaining positive relationships with people that they care about. Now, culturally, our priorities have changed (in many ways, not for the better). People no longer pride themselves on being trustworthy, helping their neighbors, or maintaining constructive relationships. Our culture has indeed, become excruciatingly self-absorbed and egotistical when it comes to satisfying our own needs and ignoring the needs of others.

All of this being said, the central notion of this discussion, is for us to take the time out to evaluate the kinds of relationships and the people with whom we expend a lot of time and energy with. It is ever so imperative to enjoy life now, while continuously striving for fruitful, healthy relationships in the future. This process of positive, healthy relationship building must involve worthy investments, which would be the right kinds of people that contribute sincerely to our life. Oprah Winfrey believes that “lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.” I, personally, couldn’t agree more!

-Dedicated to every man, woman, and child so that we might all, someday, have the ability to make wise emotional investments of the heart!

-Inspired and written for ALL of my many friends with whom I have had endless conversations about this relationship analogy that I have developed (particularly, Ash who loves Pringles, Cyn who loves the Sun, y mi Javier)!

- It wouldn’t be the same if I didn’t include my second favorite love—music, with this writing piece. The song choice that I have selected is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P3RUVy7OrU a classic (The Song: A Woman’s Worth; The Artist: Alicia Keys)! I chose this song selection due to the fact the song actually stresses the worth and value tied to an individual. However, this song is primarily highlights the romantic aspect of a woman being an emotional investment into the life of a man and vice versa.

- I hope you find this article and song choice to be deliciously insightful and thought-provoking (and I anxiously await your comments on the subject at hand)!!

Happily Ever After-Fact or Fiction?

The strikingly handsome young prince sailed into the village filled with an abundance of young, old, and middle aged peasants. On his pristine horseback, he moved slowly as he began to navigate his way through the foreign culture. Everything was different from this side of the oceanic sea, that is, until he caught site of a uniquely, stunning young woman. Her eyes were filled with a sincere amount of purity, her statuesque figure was graceful and refined, and after he was granted the opportunity to meet her, her personality was refreshingly charming and filled with a warm nurturing spirit.

They spent several weeks under the stars together learning and growing in love. He taught her the ways of his world filled with style and grace, all the while she taught him the ways of her world filled with lending a hand to those in need and deep humility. Soon, they were married, had an extravagant wedding and lived happily ever after.

In just about every animated and written fairytale, the characters always live happily ever after. Even if you examine an abundance of films, especially romantic comedies made for adults, the characters here also tend to magically live happily ever after. It seems that not only has almost every aspect of creative artistry adopted this notion of happily ever after, but so have we, the people of a civilized society. In our romantic relationships we have somehow accepted that we will one day find our true love, our soul mate and live happily ever after, you know, like in the fairytales.

Now the only problem is, is that in the fairytales we never are actually shown what all happily ever after entails. It is left up to our imagination, as we witness Prince Charming and the newly crowned princess ride lovingly into the effervescent sunset free from all of the stresses and worries that life will bring them. And, yet somehow we hope, imagine, and even expect our life to mimic this fabricated fantasy.

As women, we hope to find our dashing prince, who will sweep us off our feet, treat us like the princess that we know we are, and if we’re lucky have an endless cash flow so that all of our financial burdens might be a distant memory. As men, we hope to find our amazingly attractive princess who will cater to our every need, support whole-heartedly all of our endeavors without the slightest bit of resistance, and most importantly respect and serve us like the kings that we are. By the way, did I mention she’s got to be attractive, good-looking, gorgeous, or at the very least—pretty? Okay, just checking. Now, one cannot forget the most significant quality in our picturesque, happily ever after relationships, which is your partner and your life together, will be—perfect. Okay, so not all the time, just most of the time, like more than 50% of the time.

Now, this is where the real problems begin. We have, often times unknowingly projected some unrealistic fantasy onto our loved one, or future loved one, and expect this to be what a normal, healthy relationship will look like. However, this is extremely problematic. How can anyone live up to such a bizarre and illogical dream? How can anyone expect to compare to beautifully creative words written in a romantic love story? Now, this goes for women and men, but is especially true for women.

So, what do you think? Do you believe in the notion of happily ever after? Is it possible for a person or a couple to really live happily ever after?

I’m sure a lot of people out there would easily say no, of course not. Nevertheless, I without a doubt, completely free of hesitation think that it is entirely possible for a couple or an individual to live happily ever after. Utilizing my rational optimistic ability, I’m confident that this is most certainly plausible. As for the skeptics, I’m sure they have one question, how?

It is possible to live happily ever after. Now this does not mean that everything is going to be “happy” all the time and they’re probably will be moments, in which we are not happy most of the time. But, this doesn’t mean that we are not living happily ever after. In order to live happily ever after, you have to work at it, just like anything else. The mark of being able to live happily ever after is to be able to experience the extreme highs and the extreme lows of life and still come out of each situation as a unit, an even stronger unit than before. Being able to sustain the emotional rollercoaster of life, the deep traumatic pitfalls of various situations and for your relationship to not become severely broken as a result—that’s what it means to live happily ever after.

That being said, in the traditional sense of everything being perfect, well that’s most certainly no possible. I’m sure most will agree that the notion of something being perfect is both impractical and unfeasible. So, to live happily ever after does not include something to be perfect, since theoretically, nothing is perfect. However, it does mean that with the right amount of consistent effort, a steady amount of diligence between two people maintaining open, honest communication, while continuously learning and growing together, living happily ever after can exist.

Positive, healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationships can be a reality. These relationships with continuous work can manifest itself into the concept of living happily ever after. As Margaret Bonnano puts it, “it is only possible to live happily ever after on a day-to-day basis.” That being said, we should attempt to strive to live happily ever after and make that a reality as we move forward in our romantic relationships.

- Written, dedicated, and perhaps challenged, but eventually accepted by and for the Thompson Director! :-) (Lol!)
- Wow! Who knew? There’s an ideal song to coincide with this article, it is my hope that you may find it enjoyable. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IZOcEEqTC8 (The Song: Happily Ever After (why, of course)! The Artist: Case)

To be or not to be Alone, That is the Question!

“I can’t do this! I just can’t do this anymore!” The young, attractive 25 year old girl yells into the phone, as she attempts to communicate her frustrations to her close friend of five years.

“I mean, I’m not sure if I can be in a relationship with him; but I just don’t want to be alone” she continues solemnly.

It doesn’t always sound like this. However, more often than not the end result is the same. We don’t want to be alone, right? Women (and let’s not forget men either) have an irreversible fear of being alone. Let’s face it, no one wants to grow old by themselves, miss out on all those wonderfully romantic couple-type affairs, and no one wants to be alone.

The interesting question to ask here is: What expense is too high to avoid be alone? Of course, the answer to this question would vary drastically from person to person. It’s not uncommon to find women (and men) that are subjected to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse within the realm of their relationship. And, for these individuals, no expense is too high, because despite being subjected to an unhealthy relationship, they still choose to be in that relationship—perhaps, to avoid being alone.

Nevertheless, my question to you is: What’s so wrong with being alone (as in being single)? I mean, you have the liberty and the freedom to move through your world as you please. Gone are the “honey, I’m just checking in” phone calls, and the consistent mind-altering stressors of “I wonder what (s)he is doing now,” and “will (s)he like what I picked out for them.” Being single can be a refreshing, exhilarating experience in which one gets the true opportunity to get to know oneself.

Now, this is not to say, that people should strive to be single, but, people should allow themselves to be comfortable being “alone” (single). Everyone is different, but when it comes to women, we are taught through a variety of sources (the media, familial culture and traditions, etc) that to some extent our sense of self worth is tied to a man. Even if you were to examine the animated fairytales previewed by millions of young girls around the world, they all suggest that your life is, somehow, complete once you find your prince charming. So, my agony comes from the millions of Cinderellas, Sleeping Beauties, and Pocahontases that are on their quest to find their Prince Charming, but somehow settle for being in dysfunctional, problematic relationships with the Wicked Wizards, all to avoid being alone.

I want to remind all of my fairytale princesses (and I can’t forget about you stunning princes as well) that it is worse to be in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with someone who drains your energy, than to be “alone.” At least when you are alone, you can focus all of your energy into hobbies, activities (such as painting, drawing, sewing, playing sports, cooking, etc.), and people (especially family and friends) that will enhance your life, instead of detract from it. Mmm…what could possibly be worse? I know! Subjecting oneself to a damaging, harmful relationship with another physical being, because you know what? In the end, you’re still alone. Only it’s worse because you are alone in an unsupportive, unfit relationship in which your mate doesn’t understand you, is inconsiderate of your feelings, and takes advantage of you—sounds like being alone to me (particularly in the deepest sense of being alone).

I would argue that the fear of being “alone” stems from a person feeling “lonely.” This notion of feeling lonely is a deep sense of longing to be connected with others, however, in some form or fashion they are not completely able to fully connect with other people. The implied concept of feeling lonely is when you don’t feel as if you have someone to turn to, you’re absent a person to lean on, and there’s no shoulder to cry on.

Now, this leads to the million dollar question of the day: What can a person do to combat their fears of being alone and shield themselves from the side effects of being lonely?

The most effective thing anyone can do, and I know it sounds ridiculously cliché, is to learn to love, accept, and understand themselves. Sometimes that means taking out a substantial amount of “me” time to learn different things about oneself. Sometimes that means spending a substantial amount of time with loved ones (close family and friends) with whom we know will love and accept us effortlessly and without critical judgment. Every day we are constantly growing and changing and with technology this is especially true. It is of the utmost importance that we continue to have open, honest dialogue with ourselves.

Just go ahead, and make it happen! Take the time out to analyze yourself and all of your close relationships around you. Do they make you happy? Are they warm, fulfilling and nurturing to your spirit? If not, then take a second look at these relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) and make the necessary adjustments in order to bring that sense of contentment and blissful growth to your own lives!

In closing, I leave you with this amazingly accurate quote by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, “You cannot be lonely if you like who you are alone with.” (I couldn’t have said it better, if I’d tried! Well, maybe?!)

- Inspired, written, and dedicated to my many girlfriends (and guy friends) who are in relationships, my single girlfriends, and my Ash!
- I didn’t even realize how this song fit perfectly and unintentionally with my article analogies. Perhaps, you will find it delightfully amusing!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cGQoPmefyA (The song: Fairytales, The artist: Sara Bareilles)