To be or not to be Alone, That is the Question!

“I can’t do this! I just can’t do this anymore!” The young, attractive 25 year old girl yells into the phone, as she attempts to communicate her frustrations to her close friend of five years.

“I mean, I’m not sure if I can be in a relationship with him; but I just don’t want to be alone” she continues solemnly.

It doesn’t always sound like this. However, more often than not the end result is the same. We don’t want to be alone, right? Women (and let’s not forget men either) have an irreversible fear of being alone. Let’s face it, no one wants to grow old by themselves, miss out on all those wonderfully romantic couple-type affairs, and no one wants to be alone.

The interesting question to ask here is: What expense is too high to avoid be alone? Of course, the answer to this question would vary drastically from person to person. It’s not uncommon to find women (and men) that are subjected to verbal, physical, and emotional abuse within the realm of their relationship. And, for these individuals, no expense is too high, because despite being subjected to an unhealthy relationship, they still choose to be in that relationship—perhaps, to avoid being alone.

Nevertheless, my question to you is: What’s so wrong with being alone (as in being single)? I mean, you have the liberty and the freedom to move through your world as you please. Gone are the “honey, I’m just checking in” phone calls, and the consistent mind-altering stressors of “I wonder what (s)he is doing now,” and “will (s)he like what I picked out for them.” Being single can be a refreshing, exhilarating experience in which one gets the true opportunity to get to know oneself.

Now, this is not to say, that people should strive to be single, but, people should allow themselves to be comfortable being “alone” (single). Everyone is different, but when it comes to women, we are taught through a variety of sources (the media, familial culture and traditions, etc) that to some extent our sense of self worth is tied to a man. Even if you were to examine the animated fairytales previewed by millions of young girls around the world, they all suggest that your life is, somehow, complete once you find your prince charming. So, my agony comes from the millions of Cinderellas, Sleeping Beauties, and Pocahontases that are on their quest to find their Prince Charming, but somehow settle for being in dysfunctional, problematic relationships with the Wicked Wizards, all to avoid being alone.

I want to remind all of my fairytale princesses (and I can’t forget about you stunning princes as well) that it is worse to be in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with someone who drains your energy, than to be “alone.” At least when you are alone, you can focus all of your energy into hobbies, activities (such as painting, drawing, sewing, playing sports, cooking, etc.), and people (especially family and friends) that will enhance your life, instead of detract from it. Mmm…what could possibly be worse? I know! Subjecting oneself to a damaging, harmful relationship with another physical being, because you know what? In the end, you’re still alone. Only it’s worse because you are alone in an unsupportive, unfit relationship in which your mate doesn’t understand you, is inconsiderate of your feelings, and takes advantage of you—sounds like being alone to me (particularly in the deepest sense of being alone).

I would argue that the fear of being “alone” stems from a person feeling “lonely.” This notion of feeling lonely is a deep sense of longing to be connected with others, however, in some form or fashion they are not completely able to fully connect with other people. The implied concept of feeling lonely is when you don’t feel as if you have someone to turn to, you’re absent a person to lean on, and there’s no shoulder to cry on.

Now, this leads to the million dollar question of the day: What can a person do to combat their fears of being alone and shield themselves from the side effects of being lonely?

The most effective thing anyone can do, and I know it sounds ridiculously cliché, is to learn to love, accept, and understand themselves. Sometimes that means taking out a substantial amount of “me” time to learn different things about oneself. Sometimes that means spending a substantial amount of time with loved ones (close family and friends) with whom we know will love and accept us effortlessly and without critical judgment. Every day we are constantly growing and changing and with technology this is especially true. It is of the utmost importance that we continue to have open, honest dialogue with ourselves.

Just go ahead, and make it happen! Take the time out to analyze yourself and all of your close relationships around you. Do they make you happy? Are they warm, fulfilling and nurturing to your spirit? If not, then take a second look at these relationships (romantic, platonic, or otherwise) and make the necessary adjustments in order to bring that sense of contentment and blissful growth to your own lives!

In closing, I leave you with this amazingly accurate quote by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, “You cannot be lonely if you like who you are alone with.” (I couldn’t have said it better, if I’d tried! Well, maybe?!)

- Inspired, written, and dedicated to my many girlfriends (and guy friends) who are in relationships, my single girlfriends, and my Ash!
- I didn’t even realize how this song fit perfectly and unintentionally with my article analogies. Perhaps, you will find it delightfully amusing!
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2cGQoPmefyA (The song: Fairytales, The artist: Sara Bareilles)